Karla Keffer

Go, Stealers! (Cue tomatoes. Or Heinz Ketchup bottles. Whatevs.)

In Uncategorized on February 4, 2009 at 7:59 pm

I know, I know – we’re ushering in a new era of personal responsibility and ethics. Still and yet, I can’t help but admire the tactical strategy at play here. I mean, if you’re gonna rob a bank, this is the way to do it:

A downtown bank was robbed during the Steelers victory parade celebration Wednesday afternoon, police said.

A man resembling the bank robbery suspect was released by police after showing up at police headquarters.

Police said the Huntington Bank on 650 Smithfield Street was robbed around 1:30 p.m. while the city was honoring the Steelers with a Super Bowl victory parade.

The robber was described by police as a white male wearing a black and gold Steelers jacket and blue jeans.

Police said the robber approached a teller in the bank with a note that said, “I am not joking, give me all of your money; I have a gun.”

The teller told police the actor put his right hand inside his jacket as if he were hiding a gun, but no weapon was observed.

Police said the teller hid a dye pack inside an undetermined amount of cash, and the dye pack exploded shortly after the robber exited the bank at Smithfield Street and Liberty Avenue.

The robber dropped the money and fled the scene, police said.

If I were the judge, I would sentence the guy to 25 years for dropping the money. That is, if I didn’t have any ethics. And more importantly, if I were a judge. That position appears to require a level of personal responsibility and schmooze-making of which I am cripplingly incapable. Oh, and there’s the minor detail of law school – friends who’ve attended depict it as the 11th circle of hell. Ah, dreams, plans, hopes.

Erratum(?): My dad would have me point out the inconsistency of calling Pittsburgh “filthy” whilst including a link to the Duquense Incline (see “Places” sidebar) that contains a link touting Pittsburgh as one of America’s most livable cities. I am not entirely sure if this is an inconsistency on my part, or a miscalculation on my dad’s for implying filthy cities cannot, prima facie, also be among the most livable. At any rate, my dad would also have me point out that Pittsburgh is nowhere near as filthy as it once was. Either way is fine with me, as I have a deep affection for both Pittsburgh and filth.


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